Question by Stormy: Very depressed – my mom’s boyfriend/husband has driven a wedge between us! Other divorced women/kids, help!!?
This is a bit long, but could use some advice from divorcee moms or daughters who dealt with divorce as older children. This issue is tearing my relationship with my mom apart.
I encouraged my mom to divorce my dad about 6 years ago and am now regretting it. I was seventeen, and my parents had a horrible relationship, and my Dad was always angry and made everyone’s life miserable… and my mom was always gone, so I encouraged her to divorce him. And I am now regretting it sorely… that they didn’t at least try counseling first, because neither sorted through their issues and both have been making bad choices ever since.
My mom aimed low and met a guy at a bar who is around age 43 (I think – never been able to get a straight answer). My mom is 59 but looks good for her age. I tried to be optimistic but my warning vibes went up from the start and I tried to discourage her from getting too serious. The new guy, “Larry”, is not good with money, raised his kids entirely different than my folks raised my brother and I and comes with a history. This is a small city and the word is that he goes after older women and bleeds them for money. In the beginning, every time I met this man I met another one of his children… most by different women, and there’s at least 5 or 6. They are around my age (I’m 23) and his son’s have been arrested for stealing cars and other delinquency and his daughters are/were all teen mothers.
The behavior with regard to his children is something I especially could not understand, because my mother raised my brother and I with such high goals, and to do well and be respectful, that to get pregnant as a teenager or to get arrested is just completely unheard of in my house. Yet she somehow now treats his sons like it’s funny that they drink heavily and get into trouble. It’s not a big deal all of a sudden.
This man quickly drove a wedge between my mother and I and I ended up moving out of her house (a strain on me, because I’m struggling with university) and he moved right into my mother’s house with his youngest daughter. My mom threw all of my things out of my room and moved his seventeen year old daughter in, which was extremely hurtful. She proceeded to bring guys home and have sex in my mom’s bed, and got pregnant shortly thereafter, but that is besides the point.
A few things set off more red flags about this relationship besides Larry’s history and my mother’s emotional vulnerability. They were away in a nearby city for the night and had a fight and Larry took her car and took off. My mother had to call a family member to come and pick her up in the middle of the night 2 hours away. She was also very guarded with what she would tell me about him, almost overly-sensitive that I would be critical. Things she kept from me were his drinking, problems with his children, fights, she pretty much wanted me to think he was an angel.
Last Christmas, my mother was ready to leave him, and admitted to me that “they’re using me for money and I’ve had enough”. Shortly thereafter my grandmother (her mother) died, and they got back together and everything was hunky dory. Then, they get married a few weeks ago. My mother, who swore she wouldn’t marry again, decided to marry Larry.
For my own sanity, I did not go to the wedding. I no longer go to her home as it is too painful for me and I don’t want to start a fight. I don’t wish to have my life shared with theirs.
My mother and I have not spoken regularly for two years now and it is driving me into a deep depression. She has recently begun to call me again, insisting she is a good parent. I feel emotionally abandoned and could really use her support because I am having a hard, lonely time at university.
I believe this man is keeping her from coming to see me without him present. He used to call to check up on her constantly when I still lived at her house (when they were dating). I believe he is encouraging her that if I don’t accept the marriage that she should not see me.
I have told her that as long as she is happy, then that’s what matters. But I have told her I will not break bread with Larry and his family. I can’t do it.
My question is… am I being unreasonable? Or am I rightfully trying to protect myself in this situation? Is there a better way to handle this? I feel very depressed right now and my sense of reality and what is normal is completely thrown off-skew.
I wish my mother would at least come to see me once in a while… is it unreasonable of me to expect to see her without Larry present?
I should add that other family members are also suspicious of this man. My grandmother didn’t think he was a good person and my aunt also refused to go to the wedding.
Thanks everyone for the answers so far. The outside perspective is really helpful.
Answer by scary
you are stubborn and want it your way. Everyone comes with baggage you just have to get used to it or forget it.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!